So This is Consumption…Huh.
I don’t have an addictive personality. Never have. And I’ve never understood how or why other people did. It’s an all-consuming kind of power that takes control in some way. I can’t think of anything that would posses me enough to relinquish my ever constant control. But I’ve been driven. I know exactly what that is.
Dancing used to be my drive, my passion. It was my way, it was who I was. Still is in a lot of ways but until recently nothing ever came close to that kind of undefined need. I’ve been writing all my life but never did I aspire to do anything with it. I loved it, it moved me, called to me but it was more of a release, a way of saying things that I couldn’t say out loud. It was never an obsession. Until now.
I’m not sure what exactly prompted me to start my book. I was in between reading, having read a few series of YA fiction and found myself in front of my lap top one day, writing. Now, almost a year later, it’s hard to focus on much else. It has been all-consuming. One of my favorite quotes, one I didn’t understand until recently, is from E.L.Doctorow.
“Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia.”
Writing a novel has an indescribable type of draw. It’s a pull you can’t ignore. It’s your characters voices inside your head, telling you what to write next, leading you into the story. It isn’t unusual for me to wake up in the middle of the night with dialogue streaming through my head. The process is so incredibly singular and internal that there is no escape from the consumption of it. I find myself purposefully doing other things, like running, just to clear the chatter in my head. It’s strangely constant now.
I’m sure that this has all intensified due to the fact that I am in the final draft stage of my book. After so many rewrites, I’m literally exhausted. Toothpicks in the eyelids and all that. I think this is consumption. And honestly at this point, I’m looking forward to the end just so I can be released from it for a little while.
Then there’s book 2. Did I choose this? I swear I think it chose me.